ok, so I was just in bed and trying to decide whether or not I need to take an ativan to shut my brain off so that I can go to sleep as reading didn’t seem to help. I started crying going through things in my head stressing more about things and just ended up in a vicious circle. Sadly, this is not an uncommon bedtime ritual for me. Who can I call to talk about it? Nobody. =( Everyone is sleeping. Duh! It is time for that! I sure had a roller coaster of a day. I went to the track tonight walked a few laps then ran up and down the stairs, so I thought my mind would be clear enough to go to bed. <sigh>
I realized something though tonight….it literally just hit me and I said I am going to get up and type it out and get it out of my head so I can go to sleep! I have this wonderful blog that my baby sister created for me to use, and so I am going to use it. I have no idea who can read all of this, but I really don’t care. I don’t have anything to hide and if it helps someone else, all the better.
I think the reason I have a very hard problem asking for help or accepting handouts is because growing up, there was always a catch with my mother. It can be something as little as “mom, I don’t want to go to school today.” She would say “ok, well then you are going to do some laundry and get this or that done.” I also have a hard time making sure the person who has done something very nice for me knows how very apprecitive I am. I will get sick to my stomach making sure that they know I am extremely thankful for it. It gives new meaning to “I can’t thank you enough.” “Mom, will I be able to get senior pictures and a class ring?” “Nope, it is one or the other.” I didn’t even have to ask about a graduation party or limo ride or anything like that. It would all probably be a little bit different if it was that she was actually trying to teach me something and wasn’t wondering what was in it for her. Heck no….we knew perfectly well that there was no extra money for much. I didn’t go to prom. No in fact the one boy that actually asked me to go to a dance was black and my mother said “I hope you told him no.” I said “I did only because I was scheduled to work and knew I couldn’t get anyone else to cover for me, nor would we be able to afford for me to go.” She just looked at me. I can still see the look on her face. I didn’t get a car at 16. I didn’t get a sweet 16 party. I know that I am not the only one, trust me. We have all had our share of childhoods, I know. What did I/we “get” to do? I got a puppy one year that I had been asking and asking for. Pleaded with my dad to let me bring him with us for the summer. I killed it. He got into my allergy medicine and overdosed. Lesson learned-keep medicine away from animals and probably children is a good idea too. My grandmother got to sell her china dishes in order to be able to drive us from Texas to Washington to spend our first summer with our dad. I remember Joleine getting flipped off when she waved at a grumpy old man while we were driving. Lesson learned-sometimes we do what we have to do so that we get to do what we want to do. I got to deal with my mother drunk and/or stoned while trying to protect my little sister from all that was going on. When I would yell at my mom, Joleine would say “Why are you so mad at her?” I didn’t have the heart to just blurt it all out to her. I got to witness my mother having sex with a man while she thought I was asleep in our room that we all shared. Lesson learned-I will make sure this never happens to my child. We got to live through a hurricane when we lived in Texas. We got to go into the bar that my mother worked at because she couldn’t or didn’t have a babysitter, or probably thought we would think it was cool. I spent “senior skip day” in high school in the hospital while they tried to figure out why “kids my age didn’t just START having seizures”. Medical mystery….I know. Weird. I was married and over visiting my mom one day to find a PGE bill on the coffee table for her address, in MY name. “Mom, what is this?” “Oh, I was going to ask you about that.” “REALLY? Um, when?” I was working when I was married one day for Platt Electric Supply in Beaverton. My mom calls me “Hi sweetie. I have a doctor’s appointment at Kaiser around the corner from you. When I get done, you want me to bring you a coffee or something?” “That would be awesome, thank you very much.” Wow, I thought! That was really sweet of her. Weird. Long story short, she put a pill in that coffee drink and when I confronted her about it, she denied it and then told everyone in the family I was lying and accusing her of something so terrible. Then everyone in the family came to me asking “how could you do something like this?” REALLY? How could *I*? Oh ok…I see. It took several months of not speaking to her for her to finally come clean to everyone. I still to this day don’t know what the pill was. I never got a straight answer from her. Lessons learned…certainly…..lessons learned.
We shared our birthdays with my mom before visiting my dad for the summer, and when we got up there, we shared again. As adults I think Joleine and I have tried to make each others birthdays very special. I thank you, Joleine for all the memories we have. All the psychologists and counselors will tell you that all your adult problems/issues stem from your childhood. You really do not realize how true that is until you start thinking about why you do or don’t do certain things. Or why you do or don’t put up with certain behaviors with your spouse, family members, coworkers, friends….etc. Think about it. Well, maybe you don’t want to. Maybe you have become at peace with it all. LOL
I am not lying when I say that I have come to understand that my mother and I will never have the type of mother daughter relationship that I crave. I accept that she can only “do” as much as she can, because she chooses (or doesn’t) what to change and not change in her life to make her happy. I choose who to be around because they make me feel good. As soon as my feelings are hurt, I express it. I confront conflict head on to get to the bottom of it and move forward. It is healthy to do so. I keep reading articles about how they are finding more and more the people that stiffle, or bite their tongue suffer more on the inside. I used to have a lot of problems with my stomach. I could barely go to a job interview without getting diarreha. I can remember calling off an interview or a few because I was too nervous and was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to control myself. Why? I didn’t feel confident. Bottom line. I am in such a better place in my life mentally…some may argue I know. Seriously though, just to be able to KNOW all of this and WHY I am, the way I am….so very much helps. I love life! I love all that it has to offer me. I HATE the limitations that money puts on us all. I HATE saying “I can’t afford that right now.” I might not have the Mona Lisa on my wall, but I have something better. I have pictures of things that *I* love by people that I love. I have little knik knacks and such that when I look at I go, “when so an so saw this, they thought of ME, they thought I would like, maybe even love it, they CHOSE this for ME, I mattered to them…etc.” I appreciate it this, more than you would probably ever know, because I do that when I see something, or am invitied to something. They want ME, because they like me, they enjoy my company, my laughter, (well some people don’t, I know LOL),my positive attitude, my willingness to help, my thoughtfulness. Be grateful, I have to remind myself of this.
Maybe I should write a book? Everyone else is doing it. LOL! Nah, I would just piss a bunch of people off and then they would sue me for defamation or however you spell it for all the money I made. My mother would be first in line, I would bet you money on that.
Ok, I think I feel better and I can’t see the computer screen anymore through the tears, so I am going to try that sleeping thing again. Here I come ativan….you cute little life saver.
I love you, Joleine. Sorry to air our dirty laundry if it embarrasses you. =(
1 month ago
