Jen's little space on the web

Too long…

I have been meaning to post and that be more regular with my postings.  However, life has been crazy busy for me.  It is weird. 

Happenings since I last posted…

Had some stress over getting my license renewed, but that has worked out finally.

Had my 34th birthday.  I typically don’t feel *older* as people always ask on your birthday, but this year I really did feel older I have to say.  I think it is because of all the stress and tired of being broke so much.  That is getting better though, it just takes time to get out of a hole once you are buried in it.  My sister surprised me by coming out here, making me cupcakes, and arranging with a high school friend of mine to be there and I had not seen Heather in 5 years, and gave me a gift certificate for a massage!!!  Then Heatehr told us she was moving in 2 weeks to Florida.  It was a bittersweet visit that night, but I was glad to have the time with all.  My friend Greg joined us for dinner too.  Kassy from B&BW came to have a drink with me after she closed the store, and then Shante stopped by to have a couple beers and give me my card.  It was a nice time that night.

Went camping with The Goings’, & Nate, Michelle & kids.  The adults were out numbered by kids. I couldn’t afford to go but they told me to come and they could cover it.  I am grateful for that.  Thank you again guys!  We had a little bit of bad luck finding a camping spot, but we did and had fun doing it.  We witnessed a wedding from the comfort of our camping chairs, kicked Jim’s butt at Yahtzee (or however it is spelled), made some BBQ sauce that might have to have a taste test up against the Sigler’s, and found a kajillion little “rockfish” things in the Trask River.  I don’t know that we ever found out what they were called, but they sure were weird looking.  The weekend ended with an ice cream cone at the cheese factory.  I had lemon blueberry pie and I think that was the best tasting ice cream EVER!  I will be getting that again and it is probably a good thing that they don’t sell it in a store close to me.

Heather, Joleine, & I had a nice visit a few nights before she left for Florida to move there.  Mike joined us later in the evening, we played some Xbox and I spent the night at their place.

Went to Shante’s daughter’s birthday party at Blue Lake park and after that went to my massge appointment.  OH MY GOODNESS!  I didn’t think I was going to be able to drive after I was done for a minute.  I really had to get my bearings before I got back in the car.  It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice though.  I didn’t hurt at all afterwards and plan to join up for the membership as soon as I can.  I told myself you know what if I am working 2 jobs for a couple months short of a year now, I should be able to afford the $50/month membership for myself!  Even more so that I worked 62 hours between both jobs last week!

Joleine came over last saturday and we got crafty!  I enjoyed shopping getting the stuff we needed and creating our masterpiece together.  I can’t wait for more times like that.

My grandpa is in town so I spent a couple evenings over at my mom’s visiting with him.  He is a riot.  It is like non stop laughter with him and Larry bantering back and forth.  I enjoy the time that he is here with me.  He asked when I was going to come visit him for a weekend in Kennewick and I told him I didn’t know because I was recently told I need 4 new tires for my car.  He told me if I come to visit he will put new tires on my car for me because he has a Les Scwab account.  I am on the fence about that.  I don’t want him to do that for me because it doesn’t feel right to me and I think it is from my previous post about being able to accept things like that.  I would pay him back obviously and I would be very grateful since I cannot even begin to wonder where I will get the money to myself all at once to take care of the tires.  <sigh>

This weekend we are going to pick blueberries!  I am very excited!  Last year was my first time ever and I didn’t get enough to last me very long.  I am also supposed to go see Mamma Mia with Natalie from work.  I think I have a free movie built up on my Regal Cinemas awards card, so even better.  =)

It is going to be a very exciting fall and winter with all the babies coming!  =)  A girl at work is due in October, my old neighbor is due in November, Val is having her’s in December, and Becka is due in January!  I cannot wait!  Very fun!!!!!  =)

Well, I think that is all for now.  Gonna go eat my tacos I made!  No work at the store for me until next wednesday, it feels weird only having worked one night this week.  Oh yea, that reminds me they are getting rid of a bunch of old props and stuff and I bought a bench for $1!  I am super excited because it is white so it matches my room and I am thinking of getting a cushion and covering it with the left over fabric that I did my headboard with.  I put it at the end of my bed so that will deter my dang dog from rubbing his ugly butt up against my covers all the time.  LOL!  I am going to try to post some pictures, so bear with me if it doesn’t work since I am new to this.  Hope all is well in your worlds! 

YUM!

Just about to sink my teeth into a yum-o sandwhich!  I am SO loving my george grill!  Last night I had a pork chop on it, and tonight a turkey, bacon, swiss panini with honey mustard! 

Then, after I savor my sandwhich I must find my copy of my birth certificate so that I can go renew my license tomorrow am.  It wasn’t in the safe where it should be, so I have one other idea of where it is.  If it isn’t there, I dunno what I’m a gonna do.  =)

Hope you all are having a wonderful evening!

Revelation!

ok, so I was just in bed and trying to decide whether or not I need to take an ativan to shut my brain off so that I can go to sleep as reading didn’t seem to help.  I started crying going through things in my head stressing more about things and just ended up in a vicious circle.  Sadly, this is not an uncommon bedtime ritual for me.  Who can I call to talk about it?  Nobody. =(  Everyone is sleeping.  Duh!  It is time for that!  I sure had a roller coaster of a day.  I went to the track tonight walked a few laps then ran up and down the stairs, so I thought my mind would be clear enough to go to bed.  <sigh>

I realized something though tonight….it literally just hit me and I said I am going to get up and type it out and get it out of my head so I can go to sleep!  I have this wonderful blog that my baby sister created for me to use, and so I am going to use it.  I have no idea who can read all of this, but I really don’t care.  I don’t have anything to hide and if it helps someone else, all the better. 

I think the reason I have a very hard problem asking for help or accepting handouts is because growing up, there was always a catch with my mother.  It can be something as little as “mom, I don’t want to go to school today.”  She would say “ok, well then you are going to do some laundry and get this or that done.”  I also have a hard time making sure the person who has done something very nice for me knows how very apprecitive I am.  I will get sick to my stomach making sure that they know I am extremely thankful for it.  It gives new meaning to “I can’t thank you enough.”  “Mom, will I be able to get senior pictures and a class ring?” “Nope, it is one or the other.”  I didn’t even have to ask about a graduation party or limo ride or anything like that.  It would all probably be a little bit different if it was that she was actually trying to teach me something and wasn’t wondering what was in it for her.  Heck no….we knew perfectly well that there was no extra money for much.  I didn’t go to prom.  No in fact the one boy that actually asked me to go to a dance was black and my mother said “I hope you told him no.”  I said “I did only because I was scheduled to work and knew I couldn’t get anyone else to cover for me, nor would we be able to afford for me to go.”  She just looked at me.  I can still see the look on her face.  I didn’t get a car at 16.  I didn’t get a sweet 16 party.  I know that I am not the only one, trust me.  We have all had our share of childhoods, I know.  What did I/we “get” to do?  I got a puppy one year that I had been asking and asking for.  Pleaded with my dad to let me bring him with us for the summer.  I killed it.  He got into my allergy medicine and overdosed.  Lesson learned-keep medicine away from animals and probably children is a good idea too.  My grandmother got to sell her china dishes in order to be able to drive us from Texas to Washington to spend our first summer with our dad.  I remember Joleine getting flipped off when she waved at a grumpy old man while we were driving.  Lesson learned-sometimes we do what we have to do so that we get to do what we want to do.  I got to deal with my mother drunk and/or stoned while trying to protect my little sister from all that was going on.  When I would yell at my mom, Joleine would say “Why are you so mad at her?”  I didn’t have the heart to just blurt it all out to her.  I got to witness my mother having sex with a man while she thought I was asleep in our room that we all shared.  Lesson learned-I will make sure this never happens to my child.  We got to live through a hurricane when we lived in Texas.  We got to go into the bar that my mother worked at because she couldn’t or didn’t have a babysitter, or probably thought we would think it was cool.  I spent “senior skip day” in high school in the hospital while they tried to figure out why “kids my age didn’t just START having seizures”.  Medical mystery….I know.  Weird.  I was married and over visiting my mom one day to find a PGE bill on the coffee table for her address, in MY name.  “Mom, what is this?”  “Oh, I was going to ask you about that.”  “REALLY?  Um, when?”  I was working when I was married one day for Platt Electric Supply in Beaverton.  My mom calls me “Hi sweetie.  I have a doctor’s appointment at Kaiser around the corner from you.  When I get done, you want me to bring you a coffee or something?”  “That would be awesome, thank you very much.”  Wow, I thought!  That was really sweet of her.  Weird.  Long story short, she put a pill in that coffee drink and when I confronted her about it, she denied it and then told everyone in the family I was lying and accusing her of something so terrible.  Then everyone in the family came to me asking “how could you do something like this?”  REALLY?  How could *I*?  Oh ok…I see.  It took several months of not speaking to her for her to finally come clean to everyone.  I still to this day don’t know what the pill was.  I never got a straight answer from her.  Lessons learned…certainly…..lessons learned. 

We shared our birthdays with my mom before visiting my dad for the summer, and when we got up there, we shared again.  As adults I think Joleine and I have tried to make each others birthdays very special.  I thank you, Joleine for all the memories we have.  All the psychologists and counselors will tell you that all your adult problems/issues stem from your childhood.  You really do not realize how true that is until you start thinking about why you do or don’t do certain things.  Or why you do or don’t put up with certain behaviors with your spouse, family members, coworkers, friends….etc.  Think about it.  Well, maybe you don’t want to.  Maybe you have become at peace with it all.  LOL

I am not lying when I say that I have come to understand that my mother and I will never have the type of mother daughter relationship that I crave.  I accept that she can only “do” as much as she can, because she chooses (or doesn’t) what to change and not change in her life to make her happy.  I choose who to be around because they make me feel good.  As soon as my feelings are hurt, I express it.  I confront conflict head on to get to the bottom of it and move forward.  It is healthy to do so.  I keep reading articles about how they are finding more and more the people that stiffle, or bite their tongue suffer more on the inside.  I used to have a lot of problems with my stomach.  I could barely go to a job interview without getting diarreha.  I can remember calling off an interview or a few because I was too nervous and was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to control myself.  Why?  I didn’t feel confident.  Bottom line.  I am in such a better place in my life mentally…some may argue I know.  Seriously though, just to be able to KNOW all of this and WHY I am, the way I am….so very much helps.  I love life!  I love all that it has to offer me.  I HATE the limitations that money puts on us all.  I HATE saying “I can’t afford that right now.”  I might not have the Mona Lisa on my wall, but I have something better.  I have pictures of things that *I* love by people that I love.  I have little knik knacks and such that when I look at I go, “when so an so saw this, they thought of ME, they thought I would like, maybe even love it, they CHOSE this for ME, I mattered to them…etc.”  I appreciate it this, more than you would probably ever know, because I do that when I see something, or am invitied to something.  They want ME, because they like me, they enjoy my company, my laughter, (well some people don’t, I know LOL),my positive attitude, my willingness to help, my thoughtfulness.  Be grateful, I have to remind myself of this.

Maybe I should write a book?  Everyone else is doing it.  LOL!  Nah, I would just piss a bunch of people off and then they would sue me for defamation or however you spell it for all the money I made.  My mother would be first in line, I would bet you money on that.

Ok, I think I feel better and I can’t see the computer screen anymore through the tears, so I am going to try that sleeping thing again.  Here I come ativan….you cute little life saver.

I love you, Joleine.  Sorry to air our dirty laundry if it embarrasses you.  =(

Early birthday goodie!

Yeah for me! I am SO excited! I went walking with the girls and my dogs last night again Carrie gave me my present early. It is a George Foreman grill!!!! I am so happy I finally have one! I think I will be using it like every night I am so excited.

Also, Joleine gave me last weekend her old digital camera so now I am not so technology challenged anymore and will actually be able to take pics and have them right now. LOL!

I had a call in shift(3-6:30) at the store today and they actually called me at 10 this am to say that they would need me. That was nice to know ahead of time. I had a good time, but we were SO slow! We had a girl come in though that I ended up spending a lot of time talking to and ended up with a $53.00 sale because of it so that was nice. But I wasn’t as interested in the sale as I was her. She has a lot of depression, anxiety, insomnia, and a bunch of other issues and just needs a good friend I think. So, I gave her my number and said to call me! It made me feel so good all the way around though. I have anxiety and at times insomnia issues, among other issues, but I refuse to let any thing control me. I say! =) Her name is Star. I hope she calls me, she was cool.

I also put up a little flyer at the store for anyone who wants to join me thursday night at Old Chicago in Gresham for just a couple drinky poos and appetizers and maybe karoke later on who knows. Since I am not going camping, I wanna do SOMETHING that night! =) So, anyone who wants to join me, hope it turns into an “us”, then I say the more the merrier. I understand it is a work night and all, but it doesn’t have to be way late, as I have to work the next morning too. LOL

Well, off to make myself some dinner and then go walking! Have a good night everyone!

I’m Back!

I am seriously going to try to start posting something every day. I don’t have anyone to vent/talk to about my day/life when I get home from work, so here it is. =) It seems this day and age nobody has time to talk on the phone anymore. It is weird to me. I really despise that our world is becoming less social. It is healthy to talk about it and not keep it inside to fester. It helps that I get internet at home again too. LOL!

Got the call from the vet this morning about Baxter’s bloodwork. He has been having seizures too, just not as severe nor frequent as Mia’s and is not currently on medication. We wanted to do the full bloodwork on him as a precaution to make sure nothing else is going on. Well his calcium is elevated slightly. That means it could be an indicator of kidney disease, cancer, his parathyroid is out of whack, or a fluke thing. Retesting him in about 6 weeks to double check. His thyroid level came back low, so now he must go on medication for that. It also explains his rapid weight loss over the last year. He was up to 98 lbs and that was too high for his frame. So I cut him back a 1/2 cup as the vet suggested and he is now down to 58 lbs. I am thankful it is nothing more serious since he isn’t that old. He is 6 and Mia is 10. So, now his little piece of complimentary bread will have a pill in it just like Mia’s (2). Oi vey! Just me and my dogs I tell ya. I gotta get to the vet’s by 2 to pick up his meds.

Went to the dentist for my second filling on tuesday and my jaw is still tender. Not nearly as bad as it was on wednesday, but it is still bothering me since I didn’t have any of this with the first filling a couple weeks back. If it is still sore on Monday, I am calling her back. I called on wednesday and she said if it still hurt as bad on friday to call back but I was swamped at work yesterday and didn’t have the time to call not to mention go in, so monday it is. I still need to call the surgeon that did my tumor removal and have him request a ct scan for my other side that is hurting since the insurance company denied my doctor’s request for it.

With all these bills I am going to have to get a 3rd job to stay afloat here. I have been really strapped with things for going on a year now. In October I got my 2nd job at Bath & Body Works and that helps, but not much when it is only 3-8 hours a week. My lease is up 8-31-08 and my friend and I may get a place together to help each other out. I would feel pretty comfortable with her and for sure can trust her so I really don’t have any worries. She isn’t a partier, so I won’t have to worry about that. She has 2 cats and loves dogs, so I don’t have to worry about that either. We will see.

I didn’t get scheduled at the store today, so I am thinking of going over to my mom’s and sitting in the sun for a couple hours. That is about as much as I can stand and it is close enough. My baby sister was going to take me out for lunch/dinner for an early birthday treat, but she fell down go boom! =( Sprained her ankle (driving foot) is on crutches and should stay off it. I was looking forward to time with her again, but I completely understand and want her to get all better. We went to Ikea last weekend to window shop. She got a couple things. I just enjoyed the time with her. =)

My birthday is thursday and it feels weird to me. It doesn’t feel like my birthday is here. I dunno. Was supposed to go camping for the weekend, but now I am not going to be able to since I just had to put a good chunk of money down at the vet’s office towards $300 in charges. Oh well…they are my life right now.

Ok, well that is all for now. Hope all is well in your worlds and you are enjoying summer! =)